In the intricate web of relationships we weave throughout our lives, it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone around us has our best interests at heart.

Regrettably, there are individuals who will go to great lengths, even pretending, solely to exploit us for their own gain.

By cultivating awareness and discernment, we can navigate these relationships with greater wisdom and protect ourselves from potential harm.

My best friend and “sister” dated all my exes and then bragged about it to me!

I once was betrayed by a friend who slept in the same bed as me and called me sister.

Lady L and I got to know each other through a mutual friend from the university. When she was facing struggles in her marriage, our mutual friend hinted at the situation, and I felt compassionate and decided to help. She had called me on two occasions to ask me for money to sort out basic necessities for her kids, and the third time, I asked her to relocate to my city,and I promised her accommodation and a job.

She moved to Douala, and I gave her a room in my bungalow. I found her a job and even negotiated an above-average salary for her. I gave her a good number of business clothes for work. I would drop her off at her job and pick her up after work.

Before you read me as bragging, the only intention of elobarating what I did for her is to demonstrate how much I cared about Lady L and trusted her. She seemed nice until I realised she was only pretending so that she could benefit from her association with me.

The first time she showed me her nasty side was when an eligible bachelor who was interested in me stopped by my house. Steven called me to ask if I was home because he was in my neighbourhood and would like to stop by. I told him we were just arriving at the house from work, so he decided to stop for a minute. It was his first time to come by my home or meet my friend Lady L.

I asked Lady L to please keep our Steven company while I made some food for us to eat. I got the food ready and came back into the living room to notice both Lady L and Steven sitting innocently. However, a few days later, it was Valentine’s Day,and we were driving to the office when her phone rang.

It was Steven who called. She answered the call reluctantly, and her responses were robotic. Of course she’d found herself in a very awkward situation when he called, especially because I wasn’t supposed to find out that she even had his number.

When she hung up, she said, “sis that was Steven; he wanted to find out what I was doing today because he wanted to have lunch with me”….Talk about the shock on my face!! Wait a minute, who called???

I asked her, “How and when did he get your number?” and she said, “He asked for my number on the day he stopped by, whilst you were in the kitchen cooking for all three of us. So I asked her “And you gave it to him but didn’t think to let me know?”. And her response was, “He asked me, and I couldn’t have said no”. Infuriated at this point, I asked her, “You could not have said no; it is not right for me to give you my number behind my friend’s back because he bought the phone for you or you owed him a favour?” You just bloody met this guy, and 10 minutes later you feel obligated to do stuff for him behind my back? Hummm

That was my first red flag, which I ignored.

The second instance of blatant disrespect and betrayal happened when an old friend who’d been asking me out for years invited me for an evening tea. I picked Lady L up from work, and we headed over to the venue. Clement was there with a friend from abroad, and we had dinner and laughed over old stories.

It was Lady L’s first time to meet Clement as well; however, after that evening, strange things started happening.

On a Sunday afternoon, while I was doing my bible study on my front porch, I heard the sound of a car outside my gate with very loud jazz music.. Jazz was Clement’s favourite, and he enjoyed very loud music in his Jeep.

So I wondered, “What would he be doing at my home without warning me he would stop by? And before I could jump out of my couch to go find out, Lady L, who had been in her room getting dressed and putting on make-up unbeknownst to me, came out to me and said, “Clement is here and would like to take me out for ice cream, would you like to come?” Once again, I was shocked, but I kept my cool.

I told her I was not going out but wished her a good time. She went out and wasn’t back until midnight. A few days passed, and the late nightscontinued.

One day, as we drove to work, her phone rang. It was Clement who wanted to find out if she was happy to go to lunch. She’d become bolder and did not hesitate to express her enthusiasm. I felt disrespected and betrayed.. But wait for it.

When she hung up, I asked her, “Lady L, what’s the deal with Clement?” and she said, “Well, we are friends, getting to know each other. He says he likes me, and I like him too. Hummm.. you like him too, I asked in astonishment? The same guy who only 2 weeks ago would call me on the phone while we rode to work, I’d put my phone on speaker, and you’d hear him profess his “love” for me?….  And the same guy two weeks later, after meeting you, says he likes you, and you don’t give a toss how that affects my relationship with you? And she said, “I was actually concerned about how you would feel, which is why I asked him if he loved you, and he said he was just playing with you.”

At this point, I knew that I was dealing with a dangerous person. One time is a mistake, two times in a very short time is intentional, and four times is definitely code RED.

I dropped her off at the side of the road and never bothered picking her up after work.

A few days later, I expected an apology, but she was adamant about staying on her path. I never got an “I am sorry, that was low; please forgive me; I won’t do that again”.

And although I had no intention of dating both Steven and Clement, the simple fact that my friend and “sister” would go behind my back to have relationships with them without warning me about it was a big NO for me. The message she sent across to me was that she’d sleep with a guy who has been chasing me for 4 years, two weeks later after I introduced her to him, despite him telling her that he’d been lying to me just to get me into his bed??? Who does that?

“You call me your sister, yet would you date a man who confessed to you that he’s been chasing me for 4 years just to hurt me?” I asked.

I just could not understand it!

So I blocked him, and I told her that she had to leave my house. After all, it had been nearly a year; she’d had numerous boyfriends under my roof, and she’d been living rent free, although earning her own salary.

She moved out of my house, and I moved on!

We stayed in touch, but nothing deep. Just a hello here and there. I like your shoe commentaries on my WhatsApp status pictures.

So, one faithful afternoon, I got a text message from her. She wanted to find out if I was available to talk. She said she had something important to discuss with me but didn’t know how to begin.

“Well, Syl, you remember when our relationship broke down because of what Clement and I did to you? I know that was wrong, I shouldn’t have done that while living under your roof. The thing is, I dated someone that you know but not under your roof. Our relationship just ended.

This was six years later the incidents with Steven and Clement, was not even in Cameroon anymore, and I was thinking to myself, “What the h*ll is this b**ch talking about? Did she sleep with my partner one of the nights I left them together at home?

My heart beat was raising at this point, and I said “Whoever you slept with or continue to sleep with is none of my business, so if you would like to talk about it to ease your conscience, please go on”.

She said, “G and I have been dating for a while, and I have decided to end things because he is no longer giving me money.”

G??? The same white dude who came all the way from South Africa to ask my hand in marriage, family? The one you met one time when he was visiting Cameroon? That same G?

She said yes. “We’ve been cruising; he paid for my divorce, flew me to Kenya on an exotic holiday, and has been so generous to me; however, recently, he has been stingy, so I have ended things.”

I could not believe my ears..

To think that this lady has been texting me to “check up on me and the kids and find out how things were going with my partner, telling me how great her new job is going, trying to dig up stuff about what I’m up to, yet she’s been sleeping with my ex?” Wonders, they say, shall never end!

But wait for it.. She said she’d decided to end things with G and was now dating Barrister B, another one of my suitors. I had introduced Lady L to Barrister B when she had just moved in with me. She desperately needed legal advice, and he was kind enough, curtesy of me, to guide her through her divorce proceedings pro bono!

OMG… I was fuming across the phone, but I kept my calm.

At the time, I didn’t know her motive for telling me all these things, and I still don’t know why she even bothered; if she intended to hurt me, she’d succeeded.

I felt like, all the while I was making sacrifices for this lady, all she wanted was everything I had! She pretended to be my friend and used me as a means to her end.

She wanted to play in the big boy’s league, and our friendship ushered her straight into her dream life. She’d been married to a young man who was trying to find his feet. Although he did not have a car or a lot of material wealth, he had taken care of her when she was broke, put her through school, and was supporting her mom as well.

After the chat ended.. I was sooo pissed off, I sent her a message, and these were my words:

“I regret the day I opened my doors for you. I consider myself stupid for ignoring the red flags and for overlooking all the little things you did. Like asking for my brand new pair of shoes to wear to your party, although I’d bought yours at the time I made the purchase. All the many times you came into my room to try my clothes on and to look at yourself in my mirror, I should have known that you wanted everything I had. But this is what I am going to say to you tonight: If you carry on this life, you’ll fall into the hands of a friend who may not forgive you. It is said that there’s a way that seems right to man but, in the end, leads to destruction. Please delete my number from your phone. I never ever want to hear from you again”.

I have a few other stories about deceptive behaviour; however, I’ll stop there in order to share some very important points with you about deceptive individuals who might even be your best friends as you read this.

The Mask of Deception

It is disheartening but true that some people will wear a mask of deceit to manipulate others.

These individuals may feign kindness, friendship, or affection while harbouring ulterior motives.

They seek to take advantage of our vulnerabilities, resources, or skills, using us as a means to their own ends.

Signs to Watch For

Learning to recognise the signs of hidden intentions can be instrumental in safeguarding ourselves. Some common indicators include.

• inconsistent behaviour,
• excessive flattery, and
• a disproportionate focus on their own needs and desires.

They may also exhibit a lack of empathy or display manipulative tactics, attempting to exploit our emotions or trust.

In the case of Lady L, she manipulated me into feeling sorry for her as the heartbroken mother of two who is on the run from an abusive husband.

When I look back at everything that transpired, I wish I had had the opportunity to speak to her husband to find out his own side of the story.

He most likely would have opened my eyes to who she truly was, and I never would have exposed her to my contacts, to the point where, my rich white ex-fiancé, who became her boyfriend, paid for her divorce.

How to deal with deceptive individuals

1. Trust Your Intuition:

One of our greatest assets for discerning hidden intentions is our intuition. Often, our gut feelings can alert us to potential risks and inconsistencies in people’s words or actions.

Pay attention to your instincts and take the time to reflect on any doubts or discomfort you may feel.

Trusting your intuition can help you avoid falling into the traps set by those with malicious intentions.

2. Set Boundaries:

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential when dealing with people who may have ulterior motives.

Clearly defining what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and communicating those boundaries assertively, empowers us to protect our well-being and interests.

I failed to do this with Lady L. The very first time she betrayed my trust with Steven, I should have drawn the line, yet I allowed her to continuously abuse my trust. To wear my clothes, borrow my money and never pay it back, bring her numerous manfriends into my home, and the list goes on.

Boundaries also serve as filters, allowing genuine connections to flourish while filtering out those with hidden agendas.

3. Build a Supportive Network:

Surrounding ourselves with a supportive network of trustworthy individuals can provide a shield against those who seek to exploit us.

Seek out genuine connections with people who demonstrate consistent care, respect, and reciprocity. These relationships act as buffers, offering guidance and support during challenging times.

I once met a guy whose expression of love was too good to be true. A few weeks after we met, he was going on and on about meeting my daddy J.

He even bought him an expensive bottle of wine and asked me to give it to dad. The night I gave the wine to dad, I told him everything about my encounter with Tony, and he said, “Be careful with that bloke; his behaviour is too forward and unusual. It turns out he was right.

Be careful with that bloke; his behaviour is too forward and unusual

After dating this man for four weeks, he took me away to meet his uncles and revealed to me that he was married and that his wife lived 5 minutes’ drive away from my house.. Like, what in the world was this man thinking—driving my car to top up my car tank, taking my son to his barbers, French kissing me in public restaurants?

Oh dear.. Sylvie has seen things, and my dad was spot on, and his warning kept me from putting my guard down with Tony.

On the night of the big reveal, I was far away in some hotel in a city in which I knew no one. My babysitter, my 10-year-old sister, and my 18-month-old son were in the hotel suite next door. I felt a strong contraction in my chest and could hardly breathe.

The next day, I was out of there with my family and headed back to Douala, where I told my dad everything, and he wasn’t too surprised.

4. Cultivate Self-Worth:

Nurturing a strong sense of self-worth is a powerful defence against those who try to manipulate us.

When we recognise our own value and believe in our capabilities, it becomes more difficult for others to exploit or deceive us.

Invest time in personal growth, build confidence, and celebrate your strengths, fostering a solid foundation of self-worth.

When I look back at all the times when I have allowed myself to be deceived by people I liked, loved, respected, or even trusted, it all points to the fact that I fell short of my self-worth.

Nobody who has enough love for themselves would allow other people to come onboard their ship (your life) and steer it in whatever direction they please without a lot of questions asked, or with so much ease, for that matter.

I was obviously suffering from a “people-pleasing syndrome,” which I needed to heal from. I wanted everyone to like me and call me a “nice person”. But after all is said and done, I ask myself these questions: 17 years later.

• Why was the validation of my manipulators so important to me?
• Did I really need to make everyone happy, against my own self and my own happiness?
• Did I even love myself enough to realise that I was allowing myself to be traumatised by some of the people that I pledge my loyalty, love, and unwavering support for?
• Would anyone of my manipulators have whipped me with a whip if I had just taken the time to muster a bit of courage and set boundaries?

The answer to all these questions is a big fat NO.. The onus was on me, and I let myself down.

And the truth about it all is that people will treat you exactly how you allow them to treat you. If you don’t value yourself enough to stand your ground and build your protective barriers, swines will run amok.

While it is disheartening to acknowledge that not everyone, we encounter has the best intentions for us, cultivating awareness and discernment empowers us to protect ourselves.

By recognising the signs of hidden motives, trusting our intuition, setting boundaries, and surrounding ourselves with genuine connections, we can navigate relationships with greater wisdom and resilience.

Remember, you have the power to choose who you allow into your life and to foster relationships built on trust, respect, and mutual growth.

Read More lessons from the 10 lessons I have learned in 34 years Series. 

Lesson 1: Embrace Independence: No One Will Be in Your Life Forever

Lesson 2: The Power of Resilience: Your Response to Adversity Makes or Breaks You

TOMORROW’S LESSON IS ………………………………

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