Life is an unpredictable journey, and along the way, we inevitably encounter challenges and hardships. It’s a universal truth that bad things will happen to us all. However, what I have found to be true after the death of my father and experiencing sexual, emotional, physical, and mental abuse is that what truly defines our path forward is not the adversity itself but rather our response to it.
It is our ability to embrace resilience, learn from setbacks, and navigate through tough times that determines our ultimate success and personal growth. In simple terms, it is taking the mess you’re going through, finding the message in it, and then inspiring others with your truth.
When I look back at my life, 17 years after the death of my father, I can only say that everything that happened to me or for me inevitably led me to who and what I am in the year 2023.
I don’t know what you may be facing at the moment. But whatever it is, accept it, and then face it with everything you have.
Here are my five tips on how I turned and continue to turn bad things into blessings.
1. Embracing Resilience:
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficult situations, to adapt, and to grow stronger in the face of adversity. When bad things happen, it is essential to acknowledge our emotions and allow ourselves to grieve or process the situation. I realised that holding on to the trousers my father had died in and dwelling on negativity or giving in to despair only held me back. However, embracing resilience means accepting the challenge, learning from it, and committing to moving forward with determination. I just had to keep living, and so should you!
2. Shift Your Perspective
Our response to adversity is deeply influenced by our mindset and perspective. Instead of viewing setbacks as insurmountable obstacles, choose to see them as opportunities for growth and learning. During this year’s Easter launch at my cousin’s home, he said, “Sylvie, I can’t believe you are the same teenager I knew from when your dad was alive. You were so soft and spoilt- very much like a princess”. Ahahaha..
And I said, “Well, bro, you are right about everything you have said. But after going from having everything to having very little in the blink of an eye, it feels like being thrown into the deep end of the sea, where you either sink or swim to shore. And I chose the latter.
I had to face my new reality and make a lot of changes in my life. My dad died when I was heading to the upper sixth grade to write my A-levels. And when I went back to school, my top priority was to make him proud and give him excellent results. I was determined to uplift his name and continue to shine his light.
Shifting your perspective can empower you to find hidden lessons, uncover strengths you never knew you had, and open doors to new possibilities.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion
In challenging times, it is crucial to practise self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness, understanding that bad things happen to everyone and that you are not alone in your struggles.
On the morning of June 18, 2023, I got very emotional while writing lesson number two. It was about the time I had with my dad, and writing about him in the past tense on Father’s Day made me very emotional, and I started to sob uncontrollably.
My sister was in her room, and when she heard me, she rushed out and was desperate to find out what the matter was. I told her I missed dad, and I really did feel like crying for my loss and for all the other children around the world who wished they had their dads today.
So we spent all afternoon talking about my life, from the time when dad died. She was only two years old when he died, and she said, “It’s hard for me to miss him the way you do”, but I mourn with you, sis.
One of the stories I told her was about the time when I went off to university and our late uncle who had taken over dad’s estate was uptight with money. And the story went like this:
On a bright Monday morning, I woke up and got ready to head to the university. I tried to make breakfast,but I had no cereal or cooking gas. So, instead of going to school, I took a taxi and headed to my dad’s office to speak to Uncle C.
When I got there, Uncle C was in meetings, but I waited it out. I did eventually get my turn to speak to him. The moment i walked into his new office, I felt extremely bitter that he was now sat in dad’s chair, and in dad’s office, but wasn’t treating me like that would. There I was, hungry and broke, yet the best student in my class at the university. I was a good girl, trying to do everything right, but not having food was something that I refused to understand.
He was now the man in charge, and Dad never once left us without our basic needs. Why was Uncle C doing this to me? were all thoughts that went through my mind in a split second.
He asked why I was there, and I told him I needed airtime on my phone, gas money, and some pocket money for my basic needs at school. He looked me in the eye and said, “You should not have come all the way here because I don’t have money.
I wasn’t going to have that discourse, so I exploded in anger. I asked him, “How come you don’t have money when you now run the show? Why are you even in this office if you are not making any money?
He clapped back at me and asked me out of “his” office. I left feeling so sorry for myself. It had been barely a year since Dad died, and I was already struggling.
His lovely secretary, Aunty E, who, by the way, was also in dad’s car when he had the accident but who was graced with another opportunity to live, walked over to me and begged me not to cry. I was crying uncontrollably, and I even ended up saying a curse in my heart, like a little sorcerer.. ahahaha
I said, “Daddy, if you can hear my cry, let every drop of tear on this floor not go in vein.” One of dad’s friends and associates, who witnessed it all, felt sorry for me and gave me 20,000 francs ($40) and sent me on my way back to university.
When I got back to my university room, I vowed that my dad’s premature passing would not reduce me to a beggar, or a life of self-pity. I was going to overcome this, whatever it took. I was by no means the brightest student in my class, but I maintained the top spot for three main reasons.
1. I was getting a stipend for being the class head.
2. I would get a scholarship at the end if I was the best.
3. I would have a competitive edge against my peers when it came to finding a job after university.
The fire I have to lead an extraordinary life was born 16 years ago and I’m still going at it.
So I want you to remember that setbacks do not define your worth or potential. And by nurturing self-compassion, you can develop the inner strength needed to face adversity head-on and keep moving forward.
4. Learn and adapt:
Every challenge carries valuable lessons if we are willing to learn from them. Reflect on the situation, analyse what went wrong, and identify areas for improvement. Use setbacks as opportunities for personal growth and skill development.
During the COVID-19 lockdown in 2020, I became a stay-at-home mom without a job or anyone to support me with the kids. Despite being in a committed relationship, I felt like the sole gatekeeper for my and the children’s mental health.
My first son was seven at the time, and my second was only two. I don’t know about your kids, but mine were extremely charged and overbearing.
Every day, I felt like pulling out my hair!
I was extremely irritable, and I didn’t miss out on the opportunity to take it out on the children. My kids were running rings around me, and I went to bed completely exhausted and uninspired to rise the next day. I quickly fell into a monotonous routine of cooking, cleaning, assisting the kids with their schoolwork, and caring for my partner’s needs.
It never occurred to me that my actions were sending me down a dark path that would eventually lead to the worst days of my life as a young mom. My unexpressed emotions eventually caught up with me, and I found myself on the edge of a cliff, depressed and contemplating suicide. My body began to break down, and I became ill, with the doctors unable to diagnose what the matter was. As strange as that may sound, it is true!
I later discovered a coaching programme that assisted me in creating a vision board for my future, and depression was the last thing I needed anywhere near my new future.
In my desperate search for answers, I came across extremely disturbing information about other women in my situation around the world. In India alone, more than 400 women committed suicide every day in 2020, according to my research.
An inquest into this horror revealed that women who committed suicide were more likely to be married, under 35 years old, and from urban areas, and the causes of death were linked to the stress of young motherhood, the low social ranking meted out to housewives, a lack of financial independence, or vulnerability to domestic abuse.
I wasn’t about to become a statistic. So I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I convinced myself that, if I was once whole, I could be that person again, locked down or not, partner or not, and with or without children!
I wholeheartedly believe that every life must be one worth living, but the scenes of emotional desolation depicted in the figure above can compel expressions of rage and compassion. So I wrote my book “How to be an A+ Partner, Mom, & Entrepreneur”, started blogging, podcasting, and even went further to create a YouTube channel ( Young and Independent).
Since 2020, I have bought numerous courses, read many books and impacted quite a few lives. I also became a business coach to help fellow mothers, sisters, wives, and daughters on their financial independence journey. My goal is to show women that they don’t have to give up one dream to pursue another, and striking a balance between being a mother, a partner, and a successful business owner is possible, although difficult.
Adaptability is key to overcoming obstacles, and the lessons learned will equip you with the tools needed to tackle future challenges more effectively. Lessons will allow you to use the lemons that life throws at you to make yourself some juicy lemonade!
5. Seek Support:
During difficult times, it is crucial to lean on your support network. Reach out to friends, family, or mentors who can provide guidance, encouragement, and perspective. Surrounding yourself with positive influences and seeking support will strengthen your resilience and remind you that you are not alone in your journey.
Inevitably, bad things will happen in life. However, it is our response to these challenges that shapes our character and determines our ultimate success and happiness.
Embracing resilience, shifting our perspective, and cultivating self-compassion are essential to navigating through adversity.
Remember that setbacks are not the end; they are stepping stones to personal growth and transformation. By choosing to respond with strength, perseverance, and a positive mindset, you can overcome any obstacle that comes your way and emerge stronger than before.
Embrace the power of response, and let it be the driving force that propels you towards a fulfilling and resilient life.
TOMORROW’S LESSON IS ………………………………
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