If we were each allowed to do the things that mattered most to us before attending to the needs of others, would our world be a better place? Did cultural and societal expectations precipitate the death of my beloved daddy?
Definition of Priority
According to the Oxford Dictionary, priority is defined as “a thing that is regarded as more important than another.”.
In my case, my priorities in descending order are
- My relationship with God.
- Physical Health.
- Immediate family relationships (husband and kids).
- Financial comfort and livelihood (work, businesses, and other sources of income).
- My mom, siblings, relatives, and friends.
You can also set your own priorities by categorizing the different aspects of life into things like career and business, finances, spirituality, relationships, education, health & fitness, and personal growth.
I encourage you to download the sheet below in order to review your own priorities and start to see them clearly.
The Difference between Priority and Goal.
The thin line between priorities and goals can sometimes be a source of confusion as we all go through the struggle of sorting out our own lives. However, it is imperative to distinguish the latter from the former in order to achieve a state of mindfulness and success in our endeavors.
A priority is something that is very important and must be dealt with before other things. What this means is that not everything can be a priority. The economist calls it the “scale of preference.” Daddy’s priority was to provide financial and material support to his family and everyone he encountered.
A goal is the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result. It is an idea of a desirable or future result that you envision, plan, and commit to achieving. Perhaps daddy’s goal was to become an extremely successful entrepreneur to better fund his philanthropic work.
Your top priority could be to love yourself enough, to draw clear boundaries, to focus on your own business first, and to stay away from people who may cause you any form of harm.
The African Toxicity
Based on my observation, most folks in Africa suffer from misplaced priorities. There’s an unspoken rule that one has to always put themselves last to cater to the needs of all immediate and extended family members before doing anything else. Failure to do this is tantamount to harsh criticism, name-calling, insults, and sometimes hateful and dangerous reactions from disgruntled individuals.
I have been victimized by this toxic mindset, which led to mental strain, depression, and ailment. I was working flat out to make enough money that would cater to everyone’s needs and to keep them happy and proud of me.
In hindsight, this is completely absurd, and this way of life should be aborted urgently. In my opinion, it is one of the underlying causes of short life spans in Africa. Too often, a single person is made a hero, forcefully and overworked, whilst being cheered into his/her early grave. Your crime in this case will be to have some little financial comfort.
My dad was a high achiever and had to work his butt off to end up on the other side of the quadrant. He was very successful and unhappy based on my observation.
Daddy was always on the move, hardly ever spending time at home with those that he loved. Even when he was, it was either one business call or one relative or neighbor laying their problems out to him. I often wonder what was going up in his head back then.
The man was simply overwhelmed! On the day my dad had the car crash that led to his demise, he was on his way to work. The weather wasn’t good, yet he forced himself out of the house to go and earn the money that everyone needed from him, only for his car to be crushed by an oncoming truck that was out of control.
It’s been hard to get this out of my heart, and I have so many unanswered questions. And the one which rings loudest in my head is if culture and society allowed Daddy to take a breather, to be weak, to put his feet up and rest his back, would he have missed my 17th birthday, or would he still be amongst us in the world of the living?
Some would argue that it was his time to join his ancestors, and my rebuttal will be that there’s an untimely death, and it is real.
I suppose Dad’s top priority was to keep his community satisfied and happy. And his goal to generate enough money to achieve his priority put him in harm’s way. If you go driving in a storm, what are the odds that you’ll come out of it unscathed? He put his life and happiness on hold and lived his life like a sacrificial lamb, in atonement for the well-being of everyone else.
Despite witnessing the tragic events that led to the dad’s traumatic exit, I went down the same path as he, unbeknownst to me. Thankfully, I didn’t wake up on a deathbed to realize that my priorities were completely misplaced. As soon as I had my aha moment, I made an immediate U-turn, and although my life isn’t perfect, it is better than it was when I felt obliged to lift everyone’s load.
This is why I’ll end this piece by saying this to you.
You are your top priority. Whatever you do, and irrespective of the choices you make, be sure to come first. No one else will look after your spiritual well-being, physical health, financial freedom, and even your emotional well-being like you would. So think twice and think hard before you prioritize to an early grave!
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If you haven’t set your priorities yet, setting your priority should be your NUMBER ONE priority right now. You can start from this priority worksheet in order to begin the exercise that will change your life.
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